I’ve Got the Teen-Raising Blues

The funk is back. I could blame it on the geography,
but that would be dishonest. The truth is that I am
the mother of two teenagers and one 11-yr old who
started puberty early. (Lucky, lucky me.) THAT is
about 90% of my blue mood right there. The other 10%
has more to do with the fact that my husband and I
are living on opposite sides of the world…again. I
don’t know. Maybe I should switch those numbers. Maybe
my problem is 10% teenagers and 90% not getting any.
I mean,really…I could probably better deal with the
teenagers if I had a really good release system…
which at present I don’t. Well, yeah, I know. I COULD
drink. Except that it’s against my religion. And it’s
a bad example to these rotten ass humans I call teens.
I don’t think I can tell them not to use drugs and
drink as a means to escape and have it be remotely
credible when all the words are coming out slurred and
interrupted by giggling and occasional belching.
Because LET ME ASSURE YOU, if I were to fall off the
wagon at this point, I would TOTALLY roll right into
a liquor store and remain drunk for the next 10 years.
Yes. That’s correct. TEN YEARS, Baby. Because it’ll be
that long before all five of my kids are out of their
teen years. And that would be one helluva hangover,
don’t ya think?
So, I grit and bear it. And I blog. And enjoy little
tiny fantasies throughout the day that involve teenage
kids with severe cases of laryngitis that last weeks at
a time where I don’t have to hear things like, “I hate
you!”, “Whatever!”, or “No, FAKELY!” which is usually
in response to the question “Oh, really?”
I’m sure one day it will all be worth it. I’ll get my
MOTY award and be crowned Most Awesome Sober Mother
and write a book and be interviewed by Oprah after she
reads my autobiography with her book club: LOSING MY
SANITY WHILE RAISING KIDS WAS CHEAPER THAN XANAX (And
Other Money-Saving Tips for the Birth Control Challenged)
In the mean time, I’ll just have to work out a little
more frequently after reaching for that comfort food!
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