Sci-Fi Super Hero Powers Wanted FAST

I want eyeballs equipped with laser beams. I want to be
able to cup my hands forward and have big, fat fire-balls
shoot out of my palms that blow stuff up. I want to just
squint in the direction of something or someone that’s
just pissed me off to the nth degree and have their itty,
bitty, heads pop off and spin toward the sun. Or the moon,
if it’s dark out.

I want to be able to make one of those tractor-beam
things like from Star Trek and suck my kids backwards
when they take off storming into another room because
they don’t want to hear me. I also want to be able to
make one of those force fields like the chick from Fantas-
tic 4 only I want mine to be soundproof so I can block
all the damn whining, yelling, screaming, and tattling that
my kids do. Oh, and I want it so that I don’t get a nose
bleed every time I use it….because, frankly, I’ll get a
lot of mileage out of that one.
Fantastic 4 Pictures, Images and Photos
I’d like to have the ability to plant thoughts and ideas
into my kids heads, like Matt Parkman, the cop from
that show Heroes. That would be cool. I could do all
of my parenting without yelling and losing my voice.
That would be so awesome.

But you know what would be better? I wouldn’t need
all these crazy sci-fi  powers if they would just stop
and see that I’m not asking the world from them when
I ask them to respect each other. I wouldn’t have to
shout, “FAG is not a respectful word for your brother!”
I wouldn’t have to remind for the 32nd time “Reading
your sister’s diary is not only rude and invasive and
wrong. It is hurtful and it always going to be….no
matter HOW MANY times she writes that you’re a
butthead in it!”

I’m trying my best to keep it together, but it’s getting
mighty difficult. I hate my job sometimes. If I could
find something less stressful I’d be so out of here…
if I could just find where I could submit my resignation.
I hear nuclear disarmament is interesting and could
potentially lower my blood pressure. I imagine it’s like
knitting, only without having the stress of “casting on.”

But if anyone hears about a spot opening up in Super
Hero School for a middle-aged, slightly overweight
but still hot red-head who is beyond sick of kids,
drop me a line. Thanks.

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