Global Warming (aka The Ole Climate Bait and Switch Routine)

Redneck Winter WonderlandArlington, Texas.
When one hears “Arlington, Texas” one immediately thinks of Six Flags Over Texas, the Texas Rangers, the Dallas Cowboys, DFW International Airport……….but not powdery snow. This is the third snowfall in two weeks time this winter.
The entire city shuts down and kids are out of school and electric bills shoot up and teens cause vast amounts of chaos in the limited grocery/limited internet budgetary worlds of their parents. TWO INCHES OF SNOW!!! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

As my friend, Barbarella commented on my whiny, obligatory Facebook update about the Blizzard of 2015, “Pfft! You got a dusting, be quiet!” Indeed. But here’s the thing:  We CHOSE not to move to Baltimore, where most of the misplaced rednecks hang snowplow shovels to the front of their 4-wheel drive vehicles to make a little extra beer money each week from early November until May. We KNOW we’re not “winter people” and we researched and planned and scoped out homes in 3 different SOUTHERN states with the intention of AVOIDING the snow and the salt and the umpteen days off of work and school because we can’t back the mini-van out of the driveway because that damn county snowplow keeps piling it all at the end of our cul-de-sac! It was a warm weather plan, I tell you.

My friend, Nuala, in Canada says that I don’t know snow. Oh, ho, but I DO. I lived in Germany…in the snow. I lived in Maryland….in the snow. I lived in fucking Amman, Jordan…IN THE SNOW! And I determined many years ago that I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN THE SNOW! So, I told my husband, “Hey, Arlington, Texas is nice and humid and sticky hot with lightweight sweater weather in the winter. Let’s buy a house there.” And he agreed. And we left Egypt (WHICH, by the way, has had 2 snowstorms the last two years in a row….prior to that? It had been 184 YEARS since it snowed there.)
And we came here. And you know what happened the following winter? It snowed.

And my friend, Jackie, who lives in Kentucky said that she’s got over 20 inches there and that they usually only get what we have here each year. (Of course, she’s a woman who was taught to parallel park by a man, so who the hell knows? It could be only 6 inches for all we really know.)

All I do know is this:  Winter is a man. It was on his way to Chicago or Canada or Minnesota and it took a short cut and ended up in the DFW Metroplex and has continued to drive around lost for the last friggin’ two weeks because it refuses to ask for directions. You’re a cold, mean rat bastard this year, Winter. Move on.

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5 thoughts on “Global Warming (aka The Ole Climate Bait and Switch Routine)

  1. Yep, this shit sucks. I live in Kentucky (western KY) and our normal snowfall total PER YEAR is only 9 inches. I woke up this morning to 14″+ more snow! We just had the last foot of snow melt away! I’m afraid this is going to be our new “normal”.

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  2. I was taught to parallel park by my mom ( who is NOT a man ), you goof! and the official tally by Kentucky DOT says we have 21″ of snow ( not normal but has occurred twice in my 30 years stuck here ). You say winter is a man and that he is lost which makes sense but I still say mother nature is suffering hot flashes from menopause and we are ALL paying the price! just like a woman. tee hee hee

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