Things I Never Said Before I Had Kids

“Please don’t choke your brother.”

“Yes, you have to wear underwear.”

“Stop licking the windows.”

“Your nostrils will be the size of basketball hoops if you keep picking your nose with 2 fingers at once.”

“FINE! When you get off the school bus wearing nothing more than a tube top and soccer shorts, you can explain to the rest of the football team that it wasn’t YOUR TURN TO START A LOAD OF WASH!”

“No, Kool-Aid on Cheerios is NOT a wholesome breakfast.”

“No, you may NOT walk to the park carrying a Samurai sword.”

“You are making my ears bleed.”

“Stop peeing off the balcony.”

“When I say, ‘Stop peeing off the balcony,’ OF COURSE,. that means you cannot pee in a plastic bag and then throw it off the balcony!”

“Who wiped poop on the bathroom wall?”

“Son, when you pretend to be a garbage man, and you pretend that your foot board is your garbage truck WHY can you not throw PRETEND garbage all over your bedroom??!”

“That’s it! I’m putting all 5 of you up for adoption.”

“If you set off the neighbor’s car alarm on purpose one more time today, I swear I’m going to let HIM adopt you!”

“No, it is NOT safer to sleep in a motorcycle helmet.”

“You are NOT allowed to swing like Tarzan on your vine made out of your belt buckle hooked over the hinges of your closet door.”

“Damn it, son! The no swinging like Tarzan rule is in force EVERY day. Now someone hand me a towel to stop the bleeding.”

“While I’m sure some people do consider belching the alphabet to the letter Q in one breath a talent, it’s not one I want to hear while I’m trying to make you a doctor’s appointment over the phone.”

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